the grave end of the shovel

the only thing i haven't done yet is die

2010-09-07T15:34:00.001-07:00

i need someone in my life who doesn't think things through
someone who could never catch on to the fraud of a person i've become
i can't remember the last time i said something authentic
everything off my tongue is just stuttered dialogue
my lips still leak secrets
spend my nights hung up over cheek kisses and drunken advances
all the "no,thiswillneverhappen"s
you could call me the patron saint of rolling eyes
or broken promises and canceled plans
i'll never live up to all the hype
when you're young they trick you into wishing on stars that are already burned out.
i wonder where all those wishes are now
they say there's good taste in bad decisions
don't spend your golden years wasting wishes
fixated on falling apart- "i wish you'd get busy living"
i used to love playing invincible in back yards
"mix and mingle, you just got off to a bad start"
can't tell if youre dropping hints
or if i'm just overthinking this
take you back to the lab for tests
or at least whatever you left me with.
remember me at 19, sneaking pleasantries
this is the only curse i ever carried
i'm in the business of one tracked minds
never thinking twice
my heart has all the guts
my mouth is the runner up
living on the outskirts of expectation
small talk leaves me speechless but i hope you can see it in my eyes
sometimes love is just about getting even
trading compliments and friends
when am i ever myself?
"you should just slow down.."
but you're just not keeping up*
and i never told you the way i love how you sleep in your makeup
it's funny to hear you say those words
wordy and uncommited, still so full of bullshit
i keep going back to it again and again in my head
we were the blueprint
a cut above the rest
"you could have it all"
whispering to anyone who will sleep it off
funny how this all turned south so fast
but you have to admit we were beautiful going down
sorry for sneaking around
but you've been leaving out the back door for awhile now

i hate the way you call me wasted

2010-02-21T23:48:00.001-08:00

what do you do when no one's staying up late thinking of you? i miss crossing minds and being the math that finally adds up. just a stowaway kid who was never enough.

This is love..

2010-01-04T20:41:00.000-08:00

“Mom, listen, I haven’t been together with topanga for 22 years, but we have been together for 16. That’s a lot longer than most couples have been together. I mean, when we were born, you told me that we used to take walks in our strollers together around the block. When we were two, we were best friends. I mean, I knew everything about this girl. I knew her favorite color, her favorite food. Then we became six, Eric made fun of me because it wasn’t cool to have a best friend that was a girl or even know a girl. So for the next seven years I threw dirt at her. I like to call those “the lost years”. Then when I was thirteen, mom, she put me up against my locker and she kissed me. I mean, she gave me my first kiss. She taught me how to dance. She always was talking about these crazy things and I never understood a word she said. All I understood was that she was the girl I sat up every night thinking about, and when I’m with her, I feel happy to be alive. Like I can do anything. Even talk to you like this.
So that’s, that’s what i think is love, mom..
When I’m better because she’s here.”

-Cory Matthews

This could kill you, but so could I

2009-10-19T05:32:00.000-07:00

Another heart waist deep in bad intent. Where did everyone real go?

I still hold my breath when I drive past cemeteries..

2009-10-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

Breathing: short or heavy?
Living: significant or petty?
Dying: unfortunate or pretty?

Sorry about the mess

2009-10-08T21:28:00.001-07:00

I can't help but think this is the end. You are the only thing I ever really loved. The only thing I ever held onto. Never means forever.

If you're a liar, then I'm a fraud

2009-10-07T15:33:00.000-07:00

a sunset can only drive you so far until the night catches on,
but you've been building this up for who knows how long.
you hated my tired red eyes
i lived inside your rolling blues.
this is how i love you: a thousand ships and ten years
even at 21 "its too late" is just as hard to hear.
i'm sorry that history shaped the way i feel.
and this "stupid band".
and everything real.
i'm only here to see how long it takes for you to leave when no one believes those pages pressed with compliments are yours.
i'm sorry..
all this leftover summer air is going to my head.
just my excuse for every hungover night..
and how i loved to play "i'm innocent- minus the fights."
its no wonder you lost interest-
i built myself out of old news and half promises.
ive kept tabs on desperation and sincerity for so long
that i can't remember where i started.
only how much i never want it to end.
trading off-brand malice for last year's discontent
but i'm an indian giver so don't go anywhere yet.

2009-06-26T18:24:00.001-07:00

i'm going to miss you all more than i'm leading on.

what the fuck is wrong with me

2009-06-03T17:43:00.000-07:00

inbetween you and the upper hand
i don't even care anymore if you spill your guts
i just hope i'm more than a forgotten summer
dont tell me to 'forget about old times'
smileandwave
it was you who flagged me down
and yet i'm the one whose out for the count
1..2..
sorry but i wanna stay bruised and blue
last night i wish i washed away with the rest of the world
but the sky looks much more treacherous tonight
maybe i'll drive by your house
let you know what i'm thinking about

the way you bat your lashes..

2009-05-26T07:33:00.000-07:00

..its like suicide.
you're the fucking reason the cord on the phone feels like a noose
entangle my wrists
we are the consequence.
i woke up feeling deserted but the malice on my lips kept you shivering and convinced once more
sometimes i don't know how i hold on

the looks

2009-02-22T17:00:00.000-08:00

everytime i try and make a "real" blog it turns into a pathetic attempt to forget about something or someone through some lines and words that won't really ever matter. i give up.

cant tell if i'm in love or in luck. sometimes the words aren't soft enough (its always too hard to tell). ageless eyes kiss me convinced/postmark me: gods gift/save the tragedy for the idealists. i'm shooting up the "old me" to feel like my "new self" but i've been swallowing the idea of you for days. got me thinking i'm just another someone whos words are a waste of breath.

sing me something soft enough

2009-02-03T22:58:00.000-08:00

"and all you'll ever be is someone with a stupid song about them. a waste of words and the breath it takes to sing them."

i have no words..

nostalgic for the shooting stars i missed..

2009-02-02T07:21:00.000-08:00

and the faces i kissed underneath of them.

i never fell in love
just lucked out.

thinking about you and me makes me wonder about some of the other greatest rivalries. this one is my favorite.

the truth

2009-01-29T00:45:00.000-08:00

slumdog millionaire. watch this movie.

trouble loves me- why don't you?

2009-01-26T23:39:00.000-08:00

i'm depressed again.
this is the most true thing i've wrote in days
no one should feel like this
heavy sinking sunsets in the pit of my chest
i've been swallowing the idea of you for days
in blue pill hand grenades
the spark we keep catching is just a firefly on the brink of burning out
a shooting star after all the fame and glory
we're just sitting out somewhere waiting to be forgotten
how did i get this tragic?

2009-01-25T01:19:00.001-08:00

a milligram for your thoughts
ageless eyes leave you feeling boring at best
or invincible,
depends on who you talk to.
god's gift in a body bag
tell that one to the idealists.

apocalypse junkyard

2009-01-23T18:28:00.000-08:00

you act like you're in on the joke but the truth is i've been way over your head for years. worry worry in reverse/tell me who loved you first. save the stuttered excuses for a rainy day, they hate my misery but trust me it works better this way. these hands have horrible habits.

are we growing up or just going down?

2009-01-10T22:27:00.000-08:00

you're only as good as they tell you (which is never good enough). you shake but not cause you're cold or nervous but because you're alone. you're always alone but its okay 'cause "nothing else matters"/we're such great pretenders. love is just another wish to put on the shelf, you always look so much better next to someone else. i know i could never make you love me but maybe i can at least crack a smile.

detox just to retox.

2008-12-11T08:18:00.001-08:00

what a catch, honey- save your mayhem for the AM. cue the "oh"s and meet me under the moonlight, save the lullabyes for a brighter set eyes. 'this isn't madness it's perfection' but i'll never live up to the hype or the hope. phone calls are just the closer, headached exucse for sober, century-old habits that i still can't get over. love is irrelavant when the crowd is staring you cold, she says: "baby boy you could have the world."